Little Lee was a very very sweet man who was very, very little. I definitely would have broken him in half during any sort of physical intimacy.
He also told me quite a few times how they have had zoning battles about their front yard (in the middle of the city) because there is machinery, old cars and equipment everywhere.
Also, dropped the bomb on me during dinner that he spent 7 years in prison for running a chop shop.
Strike 3, you're out.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Kids Are Alright
And then there was Thom. We hit it off straight away. He seemed to be looking for...well...me. He wanted a woman who had a steady job, had her "life together", etc. etc. independent, strong, the usual. I guess there's not many guys out there looking for a train wreck of a woman, though, eh?
Anyhow, we seemed to have enough in common and he looked quite attractive from his photos. He had interesting tattoos and seemed like the kind of guy you could rely on. He was active in some organizations, had his own successful business, and a nice car.
I was pretty enthusiastic about this guy, he seemed like a great catch.
We met up near my gym and I followed him to Denny's. It was late so there wasn't much more than that open.
Right away the striking resemblance to my socially inept, mildly autistic cousin was more creep factor than I could handle. He was tall. The kind of tall that is "too tall" and learns to hunch over awkwardly. From the front he looked mostly like his photos and was attractive enough, but from the side. Oh jeeze...from the side....where to start. To make another horse analogy - when a horse has a neck that runs right into their chest we call it a "nest". This guy had a nest to end all nests. No real chin, straight down whatever neck he had and into chest. So bizarre and strange looking.
From there it got weirder because he was incredibly self confident. He even said "I have above average self confidence." Well gee....ya think?
The clincher was how throughout the night he mentioned in many different ways wanting kids.
"I'd like to have a fun car for me and also a family car."
"I really just want to settle down and start a family."
"I love kids, I think I'd want at least three. I don't care if they're boys or girls as long as there's lots of them."
Of course I nodded and smiled and engaged the conversation politely, the whole time thinking, "Great, this is my out!"
It clearly states on my profile "does not have kids, does not want kids"...Perhaps I neglected to check his or perhaps it didn't say, but I thought that this would be my polite explanation for why I didn't want to see him again.
Since I very well couldn't say "because I avoided looking directly at you all night so therefore any intimacy or physical interaction would be basically impossible."
The good thing was that I did get a maple-bacon milkshake out of the deal. Yes that's a thing that happened. At Denny's. What are you waiting for....go get one...seriously, I'll wait.
So the next day the text interaction went something like this:
Me: Hey, I had a really nice time last night, thank you again. I just wanted to be honest with you though, that you mentioned quite a few times that you wanted to have kids and start a family, etc. And I really don't want kids any time soon, if ever. But thank you for taking me out. You're a great guy and I wish you the best of luck.
Him: Well I don't know for sure I want kids.
Me: You mentioned it at least three times.
Him: So you're not even going to give this a chance?
Me: Can I have some time to think about it?
8 hours later. Almost on the dot:
Him: Well, it's been 8 hours and I haven't heard from you. I guess this is goodbye.
Bullet. Dodged.
Anyhow, we seemed to have enough in common and he looked quite attractive from his photos. He had interesting tattoos and seemed like the kind of guy you could rely on. He was active in some organizations, had his own successful business, and a nice car.
I was pretty enthusiastic about this guy, he seemed like a great catch.
We met up near my gym and I followed him to Denny's. It was late so there wasn't much more than that open.
Right away the striking resemblance to my socially inept, mildly autistic cousin was more creep factor than I could handle. He was tall. The kind of tall that is "too tall" and learns to hunch over awkwardly. From the front he looked mostly like his photos and was attractive enough, but from the side. Oh jeeze...from the side....where to start. To make another horse analogy - when a horse has a neck that runs right into their chest we call it a "nest". This guy had a nest to end all nests. No real chin, straight down whatever neck he had and into chest. So bizarre and strange looking.
From there it got weirder because he was incredibly self confident. He even said "I have above average self confidence." Well gee....ya think?
The clincher was how throughout the night he mentioned in many different ways wanting kids.
"I'd like to have a fun car for me and also a family car."
"I really just want to settle down and start a family."
"I love kids, I think I'd want at least three. I don't care if they're boys or girls as long as there's lots of them."
Of course I nodded and smiled and engaged the conversation politely, the whole time thinking, "Great, this is my out!"
It clearly states on my profile "does not have kids, does not want kids"...Perhaps I neglected to check his or perhaps it didn't say, but I thought that this would be my polite explanation for why I didn't want to see him again.
Since I very well couldn't say "because I avoided looking directly at you all night so therefore any intimacy or physical interaction would be basically impossible."
The good thing was that I did get a maple-bacon milkshake out of the deal. Yes that's a thing that happened. At Denny's. What are you waiting for....go get one...seriously, I'll wait.
So the next day the text interaction went something like this:
Me: Hey, I had a really nice time last night, thank you again. I just wanted to be honest with you though, that you mentioned quite a few times that you wanted to have kids and start a family, etc. And I really don't want kids any time soon, if ever. But thank you for taking me out. You're a great guy and I wish you the best of luck.
Him: Well I don't know for sure I want kids.
Me: You mentioned it at least three times.
Him: So you're not even going to give this a chance?
Me: Can I have some time to think about it?
8 hours later. Almost on the dot:
Him: Well, it's been 8 hours and I haven't heard from you. I guess this is goodbye.
Bullet. Dodged.
Sports!
Well, I have to start with the date that started it all, even though that means going back a few weeks.
I talked to this gentleman for a few weeks on and off, although we didn't have a ton in common, we had a very similar sense of humor. He kept me smiling and looking forward to his replies for a few days. Eventually we decided we would like to get together but every time I'd make a suggestion he'd have some sporting event to watch on television that we had to plan around. Seriously.
This is why he's labeled as "Sports!" in my phone.
We did have a common love of crappy horror movies and he had suggested "Truth or Dare" which he said would be the best worst movie I ever saw. So, going against "dating 101" I decided to go to his house and watch said crappy movie with him. My grand plan to not get roofied and abducted was that I sent a text saying "Listen, I told a few people where I'm going so if I go missing you won't get away with it."
I should really start holding "defensive dating " classes, amirite? I set a fabulous example.
Well, I was pleasantly surprised to see that he resembled the pictures I had seen, and was fairly attractive. I wasn't going gaga, but that's okay too. However, things fell short when I realized he was an alcoholic.
That's right.
Half way through the night I remember thinking "I learned about this in health class in high school."
He was the type of alcoholic who doesn't know he's an alcoholic. He was incredibly respectful (to a fault as we will soon see.) and never did a thing to make me uncomfortable, but he managed to ingest close to an entire bottle of vodka during our 4-5 hour date.
The movie was indeed hilarious and awful. Just the way I like it. When it was over he simply put on a different movie that happens to be one of my all time favorite "awful horrible gratuitously gory" movies I was actually not having a bad time and he was entertaining so I stayed.
Halfway through the second movie he starts telling me stories about his cat. Twenty minute stories.
With his eyes closed.
Yep.I kept laughing out loud at him and he'd look at me completely confused and ask if I was laughing at him or the movie and I would simply reply "Both." and then push him to tell me another pointless hilarious story.
With his eyes closed.
I kept thinking to myself "This is perfect. He's kind of cute and so incredibly ridiculous that I won't get attached." Not getting attached is important to me, because I have a tendency to do so quickly.
Eventually it was getting late and I really needed to leave. Plus a few more drinks and he wouldn't be conscious anyway. So I stood up and he almost fell over, and I gave him a big hug before heading home.
Here is where I will note how he sat as far as humanly possible away from me on the couch and didn't even try to make any sort of move. He was obviously uncomfortable and I wasn't sure if he was simply uninterested or intimidated or just overly polite. At one point I actually buttoned my shirt UP because I worried I was showing too much skin and making him nervous. Put that down on the calendar as a first!
I texted him the next day thanking him for a good time, and made a comment along the lines of "you know there is no 'no touching' rule, right?" and he laughed and noted that he was simply very nervous.
Fair enough.
So I expected the next date to be different. I had to work late so our options were limited and we settled for pizza and watching info-mecials (I love info-mercials) for a few hours. Once again he sat far away from me until about 3 hours in when he proclaimed "I'm awkward." and put his arm around me.
I couldn't tell if it was endearing or just weird.
When I said goodbye I went ahead and initiated kissing. It was mostly like kissing a mop. Just in the way that a mop would have zero opinion of your kissing but would allow you to kiss it.
After this date I sent a text telling him I was sorry if I was being too forward and making him uncomfortable. He replied that "If it weren't for aggressive women I'd probably still be a virgin."
And there ya have it, folks.
Sigh.
OK. so. sooner or later we'll make a breakthrough right?
At this point I have nothing better to do with my time and as I said he's cute enough, funny enough and part of me just wants to break him.
Date 3. My house. He has never handled a "real live" firearm so I invite him over to try. He is scared to death but a good sport. He shoots the .380 and actually hits some things. Beginner's luck mostly I'd assume since the sights are so far off there's really no other explanation. The shotgun scares the crap out of him, as I imagine it would most people who have made it 28 years without experiencing the joy that is a shotgun. He is sheepish about the whole thing and once again I can't tell if it's cute or obnoxious.
We hit some dinner, there's good conversation, but it's feeling awkward. I invite him in to talk and watch some Tv and see what happens. He puts his arm around me right away and I am hopeful but my spirits fade after an hour. So I explain that I have to be up early and walk him to the door.
Once again I initiate a goodbye kiss and I can ACTUALLY FEEL HIS HEART BEATING.
I ask him "Why are you so nervous?" and he can't even speak to reply.
So, now I'm just being a jerk. I ask him again "Why are you afraid of me?" and kiss his neck. He stammers and cannot form a sentence. I have more similar fun for a few minutes and send him on his way. If nothing else it makes a good story, right?
Date 4. Last Chance. I set a time limit very clearly I am hoping he'll step up to the plate knowing I have a clearly defined departure time. We grab some dinner, conversation is lovely, and head back to his place to watch TV and we go back to sitting as far away as possible. Dear god, man, grow some balls! Eventually the clock strikes 10 and I get up to leave. I don't even bother trying to mess with him, or initiate any making out. A quick kiss goodbye and off I go.
We have texted a few times since then and he invited me to a comedy show. I don't think I can handle much more of that though.
I talked to this gentleman for a few weeks on and off, although we didn't have a ton in common, we had a very similar sense of humor. He kept me smiling and looking forward to his replies for a few days. Eventually we decided we would like to get together but every time I'd make a suggestion he'd have some sporting event to watch on television that we had to plan around. Seriously.
This is why he's labeled as "Sports!" in my phone.
We did have a common love of crappy horror movies and he had suggested "Truth or Dare" which he said would be the best worst movie I ever saw. So, going against "dating 101" I decided to go to his house and watch said crappy movie with him. My grand plan to not get roofied and abducted was that I sent a text saying "Listen, I told a few people where I'm going so if I go missing you won't get away with it."
I should really start holding "defensive dating " classes, amirite? I set a fabulous example.
Well, I was pleasantly surprised to see that he resembled the pictures I had seen, and was fairly attractive. I wasn't going gaga, but that's okay too. However, things fell short when I realized he was an alcoholic.
That's right.
Half way through the night I remember thinking "I learned about this in health class in high school."
He was the type of alcoholic who doesn't know he's an alcoholic. He was incredibly respectful (to a fault as we will soon see.) and never did a thing to make me uncomfortable, but he managed to ingest close to an entire bottle of vodka during our 4-5 hour date.
The movie was indeed hilarious and awful. Just the way I like it. When it was over he simply put on a different movie that happens to be one of my all time favorite "awful horrible gratuitously gory" movies I was actually not having a bad time and he was entertaining so I stayed.
Halfway through the second movie he starts telling me stories about his cat. Twenty minute stories.
With his eyes closed.
Yep.I kept laughing out loud at him and he'd look at me completely confused and ask if I was laughing at him or the movie and I would simply reply "Both." and then push him to tell me another pointless hilarious story.
With his eyes closed.
I kept thinking to myself "This is perfect. He's kind of cute and so incredibly ridiculous that I won't get attached." Not getting attached is important to me, because I have a tendency to do so quickly.
Eventually it was getting late and I really needed to leave. Plus a few more drinks and he wouldn't be conscious anyway. So I stood up and he almost fell over, and I gave him a big hug before heading home.
Here is where I will note how he sat as far as humanly possible away from me on the couch and didn't even try to make any sort of move. He was obviously uncomfortable and I wasn't sure if he was simply uninterested or intimidated or just overly polite. At one point I actually buttoned my shirt UP because I worried I was showing too much skin and making him nervous. Put that down on the calendar as a first!
I texted him the next day thanking him for a good time, and made a comment along the lines of "you know there is no 'no touching' rule, right?" and he laughed and noted that he was simply very nervous.
Fair enough.
So I expected the next date to be different. I had to work late so our options were limited and we settled for pizza and watching info-mecials (I love info-mercials) for a few hours. Once again he sat far away from me until about 3 hours in when he proclaimed "I'm awkward." and put his arm around me.
I couldn't tell if it was endearing or just weird.
When I said goodbye I went ahead and initiated kissing. It was mostly like kissing a mop. Just in the way that a mop would have zero opinion of your kissing but would allow you to kiss it.
After this date I sent a text telling him I was sorry if I was being too forward and making him uncomfortable. He replied that "If it weren't for aggressive women I'd probably still be a virgin."
And there ya have it, folks.
Sigh.
OK. so. sooner or later we'll make a breakthrough right?
At this point I have nothing better to do with my time and as I said he's cute enough, funny enough and part of me just wants to break him.
Date 3. My house. He has never handled a "real live" firearm so I invite him over to try. He is scared to death but a good sport. He shoots the .380 and actually hits some things. Beginner's luck mostly I'd assume since the sights are so far off there's really no other explanation. The shotgun scares the crap out of him, as I imagine it would most people who have made it 28 years without experiencing the joy that is a shotgun. He is sheepish about the whole thing and once again I can't tell if it's cute or obnoxious.
We hit some dinner, there's good conversation, but it's feeling awkward. I invite him in to talk and watch some Tv and see what happens. He puts his arm around me right away and I am hopeful but my spirits fade after an hour. So I explain that I have to be up early and walk him to the door.
Once again I initiate a goodbye kiss and I can ACTUALLY FEEL HIS HEART BEATING.
I ask him "Why are you so nervous?" and he can't even speak to reply.
So, now I'm just being a jerk. I ask him again "Why are you afraid of me?" and kiss his neck. He stammers and cannot form a sentence. I have more similar fun for a few minutes and send him on his way. If nothing else it makes a good story, right?
Date 4. Last Chance. I set a time limit very clearly I am hoping he'll step up to the plate knowing I have a clearly defined departure time. We grab some dinner, conversation is lovely, and head back to his place to watch TV and we go back to sitting as far away as possible. Dear god, man, grow some balls! Eventually the clock strikes 10 and I get up to leave. I don't even bother trying to mess with him, or initiate any making out. A quick kiss goodbye and off I go.
We have texted a few times since then and he invited me to a comedy show. I don't think I can handle much more of that though.
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